With the help of AI, I have constructed a strongly worded memo to be delivered henceforth to whomever is in charge at the UTEP athletic department.
To whom it may concern:
It is with great solemnity—and an overwhelming sense of contractual obligation—that we, the undersigned representatives of the
Parties of the Third Part (hereinafter referred to as "The Fans"), must bring to your immediate attention a matter of grave importance regarding the
Party of the Second Part (hereinafter referred to as "The Coach").
Per the terms of the
Unofficial, Yet Morally Binding Agreement for Basketball Competency and General Not-Embarrassment (UBAGCAGNE, henceforth "The Agreement"), it has become evident that the Party of the Second Part has fallen into material breach of the implicit and explicit conditions therein. Said breach includes, but is not limited to:
- Failure to Produce a Basketball Team That Resembles a Basketball Team – As The Fans, we acknowledge the complexity of X’s and O’s; however, the recent strategic playstyle appears to be an avant-garde interpretative dance performance rather than competitive athletics.
- Gross Negligence in the Area of "Winning" – While we recognize that victory is never contractually guaranteed, The Agreement strongly implies an attempt to secure such an outcome. Repeated avoidance of said attempts, coupled with a visible lack of urgency in critical game-time situations, renders the Party of the Second Part in default.
- Unfulfilled Fiduciary Duty to Enthusiasm and Hope – The Fans, as stakeholders in this venture, have suffered undue emotional distress, financial damages (season tickets and emotional therapy costs), and irreparable harm to their social credibility in sports discussions.
Given these egregious violations, it is our regrettable duty to invoke the rarely-used
Clause of Immediate Parting (CIP), effective at the soonest possible juncture. The Fans hereby strongly suggest that the Party of the First Part (hereinafter "The Administration") initiate swift and decisive action to remedy this situation—preferably with a candidate whose basketball strategy does not involve shorter players, questionable timeout usage, or treating rebounds as optional.
While this decision is rendered with heavy hearts, it is with even heavier groans of frustration that we have endured the past season(s). We trust that The Administration will act accordingly, lest further measures be taken, such as
strongly worded tweets, the waving of oversized white towels, and the refusal to purchase overpriced arena nachos.
We eagerly await your prompt response and the commencement of the
"New Era of Competence and Excitement", terms to be finalized upon hiring of a successor.
With all due respect (and frustration),
Miner Basketball Fans